I Want More For You, A Queer Love Language
It is Pride Month and I hate rainbow capitalism. It is Pride Month and I’m annoyed that there is so such a rigid idea of what it means to be out, to be queer, to own and be connected to an identity. I am sad for those who feel like that it is too late for them, that they realized on the “wrong timeline” because is queerness, not the disruption of every rule and structure and binary?
Around this time last year, I was sobbing in a shower in a cabin by a river in California realizing that my queerness was aching to come out and be seen and be nurtured. I cried thinking about how I felt like I would continuously disappoint my family, that somehow they received a child that decided to demolish every one of their ‘values’. I cried thinking about why it felt like I was constantly hungry and never satisfied. A part of me was laughing at myself, how could it be possible that I had such a strong queer community and still held so much internalized queerphobia? I think part of it was that embracing my queerness meant letting so many of my attachments to the life I thought I was meant to have. It can hurt when we chase a story of what stability looks like only to arrive and realize that it’s not the right fit for us or not even what true stability is, it can hurt when we realize the checkboxes are just too small for us. As usual, I have been procrastinating writing this newsletter. Partially because I am burned out and partially because I don’t know if I have all the words. Writing this newsletter and writing about queerness did not make me feel better, but gave me a container to hold myself in while I am feeling depressed. Sometimes I forget that with every new transition, even if it is one that is desired and beautiful and filled with unknown adventure, there is always a grieving of the old.
“Being queer saved my life. Often we see queerness as deprivation. But when I look at my life, I saw that queerness demanded an alternative innovation from me. I had to make alternative routes; it made me curious; it made me ask, “Is this enough for me?” - Ocean Vuong
My friend Annika sent me one of my favorite Ocean Vuong quotes on our facetime last week. The more I embrace my queerness the more expansive my life becomes. A part of the grief of recognizing I was not happy was the process of leaving and saying “This actually isn’t what I truly need anymore.” in so many parts of my life and not knowing what would grow in the clearing. But now on the other side of it all, all I can see is how my life has begun to bloom. I am about to work with a queer-person of color therapist for the first time in my life and all I can think about is “Wow. Maybe this will be a better fit for me, maybe more of my needs will be met and maybe I will grow and be supported in ways I couldn’t imagine”.
I guess I am partially writing this because while I have openly said I am queer on the internet for many years I wanted to create space to show that I still grapple with what being queer means for me, that I still grapple with it being hard and confusing and exciting and new and old. To tell you that there is no timeline or definition or marker of queerness. That I am scared of owning my queerness loudly too and that I don’t even know what that fully means or looks like yet.
Last month I got to see the magnificent Raveena and I stared at her on stage in awe, completely captivated by both a mirror in my South-Asian queerness and her as an angel from beyond the cosmos. At the same time, I was jealous, that she could embody this queer freedom twirling on stage; so divinely connected in a way that I did not realize I hungered for. But what we know about jealousy is that it is a signal to us. Perhaps because Raveena is brave enough to live in her truth - that I can too? Maybe there is a queer God-filled life that has been created exactly for me?
“My jealousy had actually been a mask for my fear of doing something I really wanted to do but was not yet brave enough to take action forward.” - Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way
I grew up in a home where there was such a strong emphasis on my limits, the boundaries, and the constant reprise of “If you ask for more, you will lose what you have.” So it has been hard to accept that maybe my desire for more is not a marker of my lack of gratitude and hard to accept that maybe losing what we have isn’t always a punishment.
In the Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything, Revered James Martin describes how our heart’s deepest desires are not to be admonished but are also God’s desires for us. In college, I took a class on queerness and religion and women with a convoluted title with a professor I hated who cared too much about citations. But what I remember is reading these stories of queer orthodox rabbis and nuns who so fervently said that their queerness allowed them to be closer to God. That being their full and true self was the best way they could love God. Despite going to liberal college, having queer community, and queer mentors - the part of me that grew up in a very conservative Christian home always will need the validation that “Yes. You are good and loved and God wants you to embrace your queerness! God exists beyond gender and sexuality! God has created a world that is so beautiful that it destroys every structure or limitation man attempts to design to feel a false sense of control” and maybe it is okay to need that validation. Maybe God has an abundance of validation to offer us when we are terrified of living in the in-between because they are so proud of us.
What if there are a million ways to embrace your queerness? What if your queerness lives in you humming along to your favorite song? What if your queerness lives in the bob of the water underneath your back as you attempt to learn how to float? What if your queerness is the 10-minute call before I jump in the shower with your best friend who lives miles away? What if your queerness is the fleeting thought I WONDER
The queer love in my life moves like a softly cupped hand, weaving its way through the crowd and reaching for me, to help me walk with more ease through the chaos. It is a love that allows for the fullness of my needs and the limits of my boundaries. The queer love in my life is my friends saying “I want more for you” over and over and over.
JOURNAL PROMPTS AND ACTIVITIES
What pieces of jewelry, clothing, and adornment do you own that feel the most like you in this given moment in time? Lay them all out and create an outfit only wearing the things that allow your spirit to vibrate
Where is the most accessible location to you that allows you to feel in tune with nature? This can be your porch. The park down your street. The sidewalk. Close your eyes and take 3 deep breathes allowing the in-between, the other, the undefined parts of your body to float to the surface to meet nature. What is the conversation they are having? Write it down.
If you had a little one in your life tell you that they had questions about their sexuality and their body. What would you tell them? What does it mean to be unfiltered in our love and support rather than neutral?
Take yourself to the bookstore. Buy yourself a queer children’s book. Read it to yourself before bed.
What are you hungry for in your life? What do you want more of? What do you need to let go of to create space for it? What do you need to grieve and comfort to create space for it?